The Quiet Struggle of Raising a Child with Special Needs

Here’s my story.

Every Child is Special

photo-1470116109808-c71d8bd6f4a7I always knew my child was special. I have videos of him reading Brown Bear at the age of 6 months. OK, he wasn’t really reading but he showed great interest in the book and that made this momma bear really proud. I would record and take pictures of every single milestone no matter how small it was. Yes, I was that mother.

He was always very distant from me. He never liked to cuddle and he wouldn’t initiate a cuddle either. He wouldn’t sleep in my arms and in fact, people would always tell me how lucky I was when he was a baby. How I could just lay him anywhere and he would fall asleep. Since he didn’t like to be held I felt relieved because the time to go back to work had come. I left him in the care of someone else while I was at work and they described him as the perfect baby. He would sleep, eat, play and never cried or asked to be held.

Then I noticed sensory troubles. He wouldn’t look up when he’d be outside and it seemed as if the brightness of the day would blind him. Crowded or noisy places would deafen him. Mealtimes became harder and harder as he would sometimes refuse to eat certain food because of their shape, color, or texture, sometimes inflicting a gag reflex just by looking or smelling it. I just thought I had a picky eater. He seldom made eye contact and wouldn’t respond to his name.

Playdates slowly disappeared because I noticed he didn’t share an interest in other children. He would isolate himself and it was almost as if he couldn’t communicate with them.When he speaks he has a high pitch and each phrase seems like a question. He repeats phrases over and over again and will say something completely irrelevant to whatever was initially said, making friendships difficult.

Terrible Two’s

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He was 2 years old and still could not speak in sentences or even three-word phrases. I could tell he wanted to say something but when he couldn’t verbally express it, he would scream. If it he didn’t scream, he would stomp. If he didn’t stomp, he would bang his head. It was heartbreaking to not be able to understand him and see the frustration hidden behind the meltdowns. I tried every approach, to guess, to distract, or to join him in his fight. I can’t hold him because that only makes it worst so I wait, making sure he doesn’t hurt himself. It is easier to control the environment when at home, but in public it’s a whole different story.

We have slowly reduced our public outings because we notice it can be overwhelming on him. We are that family that I’m sure you all have judged. We are the family where the “bratty child” is screaming and kicking and you think it’s because of a toy, or because he didn’t get his way. You misinterpret arms flying and us trying to prevent him from banging his head to physical violence. You are thinking those parents obviously suck at raising their disobedient child. You stare and sometimes blurt the most unnecessary and disappointing words that make it more difficult. In those moments I wish I had super powers to immediately press the disengage button, make us invisible, create a soundproof shield around us but no, we are there “ruining” your day, because of our “lack of parenting.”

I have slowly learned to stop caring about the people around us. I don’t apologize for something that is out my control. We cannot live inside our home forever for other’s consideration. If we leave a public place, it’s because the surrounding is obviously affecting our child. Sometimes we have no idea what triggers it, so while you think it’s because we didn’t buy him a toy, it can be because he heard, saw something that triggered something inside of him that made him uncomfortable and screaming is the only way to overpower that.

The Waiting Game

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We succumbed to the “wait it out” game, and we are still waiting. I expressed my concerns to our pediatrician and was told to wait and see how it goes, that it’s just a phase, that he’ll grow out of it, let’s do a vision test or a hearing test, here’s a number, call that number that will then give you another number and then after we hear your whole story, we’ll give you yet another number. This is pretty much how it’s been for the last 2 years. It was not until last January that I got the approval for an evaluation to be done at Stanford to determine if he falls under spectrum disorder. Well, our appointment isn’t until November. We have been waiting and waiting. In the meantime, he goes to two speech therapists and now to school where they are aware of his special needs, even though he doesn’t have an actual diagnosis.

I’m aware that nothing will magically happen after we get an official diagnosis. It’s not going to “cure” anything, but at least we’ll have a gateway to many resources to make his life less complicated.

It’s taken a toll on all of us. All the effort, physically and emotionally to care for our special child while also tending to our youngest is draining. I have felt anger, sadness, anxiety, isolation and then feel terribly wrong for having these feelings, so then comes the guilt.

Relationships

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I have very few friends that have actually seen both sides of the coin. They are my support group, but there are times when I just don’t want to talk to anybody in fear that one little thing will make me burst into tears.

My family… my family is full of drama. I have been the mediator for so long and I’m dealing with my own troubles that listening to theirs only adds to the weight I’m carrying. I grew up with a sister who has Cerebral Palsy and I know my mother knows what I’m going through, but I still keep quiet. When I visit them, I become my mother’s break and I’m left with my sister of special needs, a teenager, my child of special needs and my one-year-old. Am I to blame for not wanting to make the painstaking 8-hour drive to stay home and add on to my responsibility?

I try to be up to date on social media, but I just don’t have the time. I’d rather crochet as it has served to be a form of meditation.

My marriage is in danger. Yes, this can affect even the happiest of couples. I don’t love my husband any less than when I married him, but raising a child with special needs has tested many aspects of our relationship. Our son doesn’t like for us to have a conversation that doesn’t include him. He will say “Mommy, don’t talk to daddy” then takes him away and I miss the opportunity of any dialogue that might save me from dwindling. I am home for most of the day with both of my sons, while my husband goes to work. When he gets home I leave for work for a couple of hours, but I don’t necessarily catch a breath. I leave one child with special needs to go and be with another one. I am a tutor and work at a learning center for people with learning differences. I’ve tried to work from home but the moment I open my computer or talk on the phone it’s time I’m not dedicating to him and he will let me know, not always quietly.

Or there’s the feeling when I feel so much love that it hurts to not be able to hug him, or kiss him. It completely destroys me to not feel his love for me in this way.

The guilt of catching a breath

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My son requires around the clock attention. He doesn’t play well by himself, he doesn’t sit in front of a television screen. When we absolutely need to do something and want to avoid a meltdown, we give him the iPad, then automatically feel guilty about it. Every time I do something outside of the Handy Dandy Perfect Parent Handbook, I feel guilty.

So while you might say, “but he looks so normal.” Well, that type of thing was what made me think, am I overanalyzing everything? Is it all in my head? If all kids are like this, why am I the only one complaining how difficult it is? Sometimes he’s fine, so all those other times is it because I have less patience? or the worst of them all, that feeling that I’m a terrible unfit mother and that that title shouldn’t have been given to me, because I surely messed up somewhere.

So there it is, my not-so-quiet struggle anymore.

 

 

 

A través de mis ojos

Es algo difícil, algo que me expone y que abre las puertas de mi vida y de mi corazón.

Podría callarlo, podría imaginar y hacer creer que nada ocurre. Podría tragarme las lágrimas después de un día largo. Pero lo mejor es hablar de ello. Hablar de porque mi paciencia trasciende cualquier obstáculo. De porque el amor de madre viene con retos y bendiciones.

Dios me ha dado el desafío de tener un hijo con síntomas de autismo. No me gusta ponerle una etiqueta hasta no evaluar bien la situación, pero tengo que hablar de ello. Tengo que hablar de lo difícil que han sido estos últimos años.

Duele mi corazón pero no por las razones que piensan. Me duele porque yo soy una de las pocas personas que al verlo, lo entiendo. Porque veo su inteligencia y su determinación, mientras otros ven un niño malcriado. Porque yo realmente lo veo como es. Que puedo decir yo… es mi hijo. Lo amo con toda mi alma. Por eso confíen en mi cuando les digo quien es él realmente.

La semana pasada al sentarme con el director de donde trabajo, no pude contener las lágrimas. Sus palabras de motivación me han ayudado tanto. Dios me eligió a mi, yo que me dedico a esto y tengo tanto apoyo profesional de mis colegas. Pero no deja de ser difícil. Sobre todo soy un ser humano.

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No pido su lástima pero si les pido y les recomiendo algo por favor,

  • Les pido que no cuestionen, juzguen, o critiquen mi manera de “disciplinar” a mi hijo. No… esto no es algo que se le quita con nalgadas.
  • No es porque está chiqueado o mimado.
  • No, no es sangrón, solo porque no te ve a los ojos cuando le hablas.
  • No ayuda nada que me digan que parece un niño normal, o que se le quitará.
  • No ayuda que me digan que sus hijos tienen lo mismo y después oír sus “soluciones”
  • No, no es mi culpa por haberlo vacunado.
  • Sí, es diferente a su hermanito, porque todos somos diferentes. No ayuda a nadie que lo comparen.
  • No podemos evitar escenas en lugares públicos, así como no podemos permanecer todo una vida dentro de casa solo para no incomodar a los demás. Créeme que es más difícil para él.
  • Sí, yo sé que repite mucho las cosas y que a veces no tiene sentido lo que dice, para ti no, pero para él está perfectamente claro.
  • No, hablándole más fuerte no hará que se calme.
  • Sí, habrá momentos que parece que se está haciendo daño a él mismo pero es más fuerte el dolor que no puede contener.
  • Él entiende más de lo que te imaginas y entiende cuando están hablando de él.
  • Sí, tiene dificultad en cuestión de procesamiento sensorial así que habrá momentos en los cuales tenemos que irnos sin dar aviso.
  • Discúlpenme si regresar sus mensajes y llamadas no es mi prioridad

Habrá más estudios para determinar que recursos nos pueden ofrecer. Mientras tanto respiramos, reímos, gozamos, amamos, lloramos, nos abrazamos y seguimos adelante.

Gracias a todos de antemano por su comprensión y su apoyo.

 

“I thought it was peanut butter, silly me.”

Oh time where have you gone. So here I am. Alive. I have been putting off writing because I needed to make sure I wasn’t going crazy first. Nope, I’m perfectly sane. It’s also not a dream. I have my toddler to my right, sleeping peacefully, and my youngest in his crib probably dreaming about that favorite left boob.

How do I do it? I have no idea. Having two kids under 3 is hard. I am not going to lie about it. It is tiresome, but no matter how difficult the day is, seeing my kids at the end of the night sleeping, immediately erases it all. I wake up happy, with confidence and energy ready to take on the day. I probably do mouth the words “bring it on” once in a while, picturing a cheer squad with a monotonous routine followed by me, performing an astonishing double back flip, split ending, mouth opening stunt. Yep, I am that awesome at using my imagination.

Last week, how can I forget last week. Interesting might describe it. No, not interesting, it was shitty. Literally!

I was fixing breakfast. I had the day planned out. I was babysitting a little girl, we were going to have a great time. As I was shredding cheese to go on my amazing omelette, I hear the little girl say, “Adriana, Jayden is playing with peanut butter.”

I mouthed something like “that’s nice sweetie.” An immediate realization hit. How could he be playing with peanut butter? Where could he have gotten peanut butter?

Oh my! Oh my! I turn to see my 2 year old with shit all over his hands. The horrified look on my face did not stop him to do the unthinkable. Yes, my son went ahead and put it to his mouth. I immediately picked him up, undressed him and got the bath running and hoped the shower would erase the image of my son eating poop.

After I gave him a bath I sat down, took a deep breath. I didn’t know whether to cry, laugh or puke. The little girl walks in and says, “Oh boy, and I thought it was peanut butter, silly me!”

I looked at her and I couldn’t help it, I began cracking up. They both immediately joined me and we laughed and laughed at the face of shit.

After we finished laughing, she looks at me and says, “I have a feeling it’s going to be a great day!” and my son follows with a great big cheer.

How can you not be enthusiastic about life when you have kids and shit. 🙂

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We cleaned up quiet nicely and took a stroll down to the park for a beautiful winter (disguised as summer) day in lucky California.

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Labor and Delivery: a special birthday

Our baby boy is finally here!

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Julian Zander Hernandez

Born 11/2/13 at 3:00 a.m.

7lbs. 12 oz.

20.25 in.

The labor journey…

began on Friday Nov. 1st. I woke up and as I was walking around the house I felt a trickle. My water had broken, or so I thought. This pregnancy I came out positive for GBS. I had to go directly to the hospital the moment I suspected my water had broken, so I didn’t put the baby at risk and they could put me on antibiotics. At around 10 am my husband took me to the hospital with absolutely no pain, just the suspicion of my water breaking.

Rewind to Wednesday… I had an appointment with my midwife and there she did a sweeping of the membranes, where she “swept” a finger around my cervix to separate the membranes of the amniotic sac. This releases a hormone and there is a possibility of going into labor. The exam was pretty much like any internal examination, when it came to pain. I went home with some cramping but that was it. During the next days I kept discharging my mucus plug.

Thursday… I took my son trick or treating downtown and did a lot of walking! That night my friends, who had come to spend some days with me in case I went into labor, my son and I had a little dance party. We danced and I even attempted to twerk all in efforts to induce labor.

Back to Friday… My midwife arrived and she did a strip test, inconclusive. She did a vaginal check and she saw water alright. Results, negative for amniotic fluid. She wanted to be 99.9% sure before she sent me back home. Now, during all of this I wasn’t feeling any strong contractions, and the ones I was feeling were about 6 minutes apart. She ran a third test and sent it to the lab and we had to wait. The tests came back negative and we were sent back home. It ended up being very watery mucus plug. It fooled me and it also fooled my midwife.

My friend who was watching my son stayed and we even had dinner and chatted. I had contractions but they weren’t consistent. Then, around 10pm BAM! I felt a really strong contraction. I thought it was still Braxton Hicks so like all the other ones, I tested it out by hopping in the shower. I wasn’t even in the shower when BAM! Another one. Three minutes had passed and BAM! 3 minutes later BAM! it went on pretty much like that for a while and I new I was in labor. We immediately rushed to the hospital.

Checking in

We arrived at the hospital around 11:20pm and they put the monitors and contractions were getting stronger and stronger. They were now about 2 1/2 minutes apart. My midwife came in and checked me. I was 6cm dilated and 90% effaced. It was all happening so fast, but I did want to have this baby and it was sure beating my first labor of 22 hours!

I was very relaxed and would even joke around between contractions, to why the nurses were very surprised when I asked for the epidural. I wanted it so badly even before I went into labor. I just wanted to be numbed from my waist down. I had endured all that pelvic and hip pain during pregnancy that it hurt more to move around and the contractions were not overpowering it. I was feeling both. I am not trying to prove anything and I don’t need to play strong. I have endured an 18hour labor without pain medication. This second time around, I wanted the epidural and I got it.

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Yay for the epidural!

I had my IV, antibiotics, epidural and I was set to wait, maybe even sleep a little. Well, there was no time for that. I got checked around 1:30 a.m. and I was 8cm dilated. I felt a lot of pressure and the epidural was wearing off quickly. I didn’t ask for another dose and was fine with having feeling. I was checked and I was 10cm and felt even more pressure. At around 2:45 a.m. They broke my water, which turned out to be like one of those water shows. TMI but it was really cool. There could have been a possibility of baby being born in the bag and it is said to be very very lucky! But we wanted to have that baby now. With only a couple of pushes baby was born at exactly 3 a.m.

Within minutes I breast fed my baby for the first time and I was one happy mother! I got to hold my baby for more than an hour skin to skin, breastfeeding and feeling him while my husband and I flourished our miracle. I had other feelings that were dwelling inside of me too, realizing the day this miracle took place.

Special Birthday

My son was born on November 2nd, the same day as my estranged father. Knowing that my son was born on the same day as the father that pushed me out of his life less than a year ago for the 2nd time, filled me with many emotions. He wasn’t there for my first pregnancy and wasn’t there for this one either. My oldest son has his nose and a lot of his physical characteristics and now my youngest shares his birthday. I don’t know if this is karma, a life lesson, nor do I know to whom the universe talks.

For many years, even before my parents’ divorce, I sought a relationship with my father but his harmful words and both of our prides would make it nearly impossible. Sure, we had some great moments, but I am also the oldest, therefore I remember more than my siblings. I remember his drinking, his insults and the way he treated my mom, the physical violence and his double personality.

With others my father was an awesome person, I will never say otherwise. He was a funny man, loved to be in social events and made everyone laugh. People would always say how lucky we were to have such a fun dad. At home, we didn’t get the funny man everyone saw. We got a man who would throw it in our face each meal he bought, the roof he gave us, the gas he wasted driving us around and how we got in the way of his financial success and freedom.

Last time I spoke to my father, he made it very clear to me he wants me out of his life. I am dead to him, but the universe works in mysterious ways and on this Day of the Dead I gave my father a grandson, a precious life.  He might never meet him or he might come around. I gave him a special birthday gift, he won’t care to open. I found out he knew of the birth of my son and that there was no emotion. I learned to stop looking for something that is just not there. Every time I try to make peace with him, I end up more disappointed and the emotional fight leaves me devastated. I learned that I owe it to myself to live an emotionally safe life and that if I know something hurts me, I need to stop looking for it. It doesn’t matter who he is, I don’t deserve it. I have a wonderful husband and now two wonderful sons. I have amazing friends that have become my family. I am loved.

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My two sons

So why do I still feel? I feel because I only know one father. I feel because all I wanted was to be a daddy’s girl. I feel because his words hurt me. I feel because I wanted to make him proud. Maybe, just maybe he would stop hating me so much. I feel because I cannot imagine treating my children that way. I feel because I am a good human being.

My son Julian has a special birthday. I will not say I hope things change because I’ve been down that road too many times, but it is a day that will continue to be alive in my heart. It will be a day to celebrate so much life.

In the meantime this family will rest, love, and soak in all the wonderful things the universe has given us.

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My beautiful family

Esperando con Anciedad: 39 semanas

¿Cuándo llegará mi bebé?

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Se aproxima la fecha pero yo ya quiero tener a mi bebé.

Yo no he sido de mucha paciencia para abrir regalos, empezar a comer, y sobre todo esperar 9 meses para poder abrazar a mi bebé. La espera me mata. Ya quiero tener a mi bebé, pero todo a su debido tiempo.

Llevo ya unas semanas sintiendo dolores pero nada que dure lo suficiente para decir, “¡ya es hora!”

Mañana llegan unas amigas a quedarse conmigo unos días para ayudarme con mi hijo y con los quehaceres de la casa. Estoy tan agradecida con esas personas que me han apoyado durante este embarazo.

Inicialmente me dijeron que me aliviaría el 30 de octubre (mañana) pero hace dos semanas me informaron que mi fecha es para el 3 de noviembre. Al principio me sentí como que me agregaron un año, pero ya me he resignado a que va a llegar cuando él quiera, aunque de todos modos intentaré otras cositas.

Mañana tengo cita con el Dr. y me van a despegar las membranas. Desde hace dos semanas estoy dilatada 3cm pero quisieron esperar hasta que tuviera 39 semanas. Dicen que este procedimiento es un poco doloroso pero que esa misma noche me puedo aliviar. Vamos a intentar eso ya que también mi bebé corre riesgo de infección y lo más rápido que nazca, mejor.

Con mi primer hijo, me alivié 3 días antes de la fecha que me dijeron pero tuve un parto de 22 horas. Ahora no importa si se tarda pero que sea más rápido.

Se dicen que hay varias maneras de provocar los dolores pero es importante de consultar al doctor antes de hacer cualquiera de estas cosas:

caminar

subir y bajar escaleras

comer comida picosa

sexo – la esperma ayuda a dilatar el cerviz

orgasmo

manejar en terracería o una calle con muchos bordos

columpiarse

vinagre balsámico – me encanta en ensaladas

oregano

ponerse a gatas y mover las caderas

hacer sentadillas

meditar, respirar profundo e imaginar que se abre el cerviz y que el bebé se baja

Muchas de estas cosas serían muy dolorosas si las hago, con eso de mi dolor de caderas y con mi ulcera, así que trataré algunas cosas y si no seré paciente.

Ya tenemos todo preparado. Es increíble la diferencia de mi primer embarazo. Con mi primer hijo queríamos comprar TODO, pero ahora nos damos cuenta que un bebé no requiere de tantas cosas.

Claro, tenemos suerte que va a ser niño otra vez porque usará muchas cosas de su hermano mayor. Otra cosa que nos ayuda es el usar pañales de tela, ya que uno se ahorra como $1,000 al año!! Es tan fácil y la verdad me gusta más que pañales desechables, y no está nada mal de que ayudamos al medio ambiente.

Mi hijo pregunta que porque hay otra silla en el carro. Le decimos que es para su hermanito pero señala a mi pancita y dice que ahí está su hermanito. Va a hacer un cambio muy drástico para él pero de verlo como es tan tierno con otros bebés y con sus muñequitos de peluche me hace sentir tranquila.

Por cierto no hemos dicho como le pondremos al bebé, así que lo diré: se llamará Julian Zander Hernández 🙂 Nos tomó mucho tiempo para decidir el nombre. Otros candidatos eran Sebastian, Atzín, y tantos otros más. Nos encanta el nombre Julián porque se oye bonito en inglés y en español. Y el nombre de Zander, pues queríamos Julián Alexander, pero hay tantos Alex que decidimos usar la forma moderna y con “z”.

Ya estamos listos bebé así que ya te queremos conocer.

Crochet time: Making it work in a busy Mom’s life

It might not seem like it, but I do have a life.

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How do I manage to be a wife, mom and have time to crochet? Well, let me explain. It all comes down to wanting to do something and making time for it.

A little background of how I was always so “busy” to crochet.

My husband and I moved in together in 2006 and got married in 2007. I was still in school and working a part-time job at Mervyn’s and at Best Western, working graveyard shift. My husband was at the restaurant everyday. He didn’t have a day off. We were pretty much work-a-holics. I quit my jobs to become a tutor at DLS and in 2008 I graduated UCSC. That fall I began teaching, while continuing at my tutoring job. We were still very busy working, but let me fast forward to how our lives changed….

We were expecting. I continued teaching, and tutoring many kids from K- 12 and even some from community college. I went back to work as a teacher when Jayden was about 4 months. I crocheted a lot during maternity leave. It was the first time ever that I had all that time. I didn’t have to make lesson plans or grade papers. I could actually pick up a book, or some hook and yarn. I crocheted a blanket, beanies and many things for my DS.

I realized crocheting really helped with my stress.

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The stress came back when the day care I had set up for Jayden fell apart. I didn’t trust anyone with him and he was only 6 mos. Luckily I got offered a full time job as a family personal assistant and they allowed for me to have my son. It worked for about a year. I traveled with them and I had my son with me at all times. There still was little time to crochet.

My ulcer continued to give me trouble, I was always moody. My husband and I were having a lot of problems because we were always too busy or I was away for work.

Then one night I decide to continue to crochet. I crocheted and crocheted and if I wasn’t crocheting, I was reading. I was at peace. There was no stress and no complaining.

It might sound corny but crocheting saved my life. I was about to sink into depression since I had to quit my jobs to be a stay-at-home-mom. It might be what continues to save me know that I am officially at home raising my son and expecting another one.

I have an amazing husband that supports me and loves us, his family. This pregnancy has given me limitations. I was very active and energetic before but now there are days where I can’t walk. I am also a very independent woman and it can be a problem because I never ask for help.

I was getting depressed when I realized I wasn’t contributing financially. There were days where I felt worthless. I couldn’t do chores, stand up long enough to cook, bathe my son, or do the shopping, because I was in so much pain. My husband saw how this affected me and he stepped in without me telling him. He would come home ,make dinner, do some chores, take Jayden to the park and do the shopping. My pride was killing me. I should have been doing all of that. I wasn’t working a full time job, but as much as I tried, my body wouldn’t give.

So what did I do? I crocheted. I realized I am creative and I do make wonderful things. I am not worthless. I have a talent and I am loved.

67d5f88bd60de8670f504cc281fb4427So now that I am feeling better I decided to continue crocheting. I always make time for it. We don’t have cable and it is amazing how much television interferes with our lives.

So, how do I do it? Let’s look at my day today as an example.

5:00 a.m. I woke up, I didn’t get up because I need a lot of rest. I went back to sleep.

7:00 a.m. woke up again and this time I did get up. I took a shower, Jayden was still asleep.

7:30 a.m. – 9:30 a.m. Made breakfast, did some chores around the house and husband left for work.

9:30 a.m. Jayden woke up, gave him his breakfast and got him dressed.

10:45 a.m. We left to go to the chiropractor

11:30 a.m. Left the chiropractor’s office and went to the store and even had time to go to Beverly’s to pick up a new crochet hook I had my eye on.

12:30 p.m. Took Jayden to the park to shake the wiggles out and had lunch (that I packed in the morning).

2:00 p.m. Came home. We colored for a bit and afterwards both rested.

2:30 p.m. I woke up from the nap, but Jayden continued napping. I got up to make dinner.

3:00 p.m. Jayden woke up from his nap, had a snack and we played with blocks.

4:15 p.m. Husband got home. We talked about our day and he spent some time with Jayden, while I sat down and guess what? CROCHETED!!

6:00 p.m. Dinner had been warming up  and we sat down for a family dinner. Tonight we had spaghetti. (Jayden’s favorite)

7:00 p.m. husband and I cleaned up, dishes were washed, trash was taken out.

8:00 p.m. Jayden and daddy took a shower and I CROCHETED.

9:00 p.m. I read Jay a bed time story and he fell asleep.

9:30 p.m. Husband and I hung out in the living room, I CROCHETED, he followed up on his baseball, chatted on Facebook and I blogged.

10:30 p.m Bed time.

So you see how I make time for it and my dear husband understands how important it is for me so he takes over. Jayden likes attention and we are slowly trying to let him do more independent activities, with a new baby coming, and all. I am 100% positive that I will be very busy once baby arrives. I’ll just have to find some time to crochet, even if it’s 10 minutes, for my sanity.

crochet kill people

There are nights where I can’t sleep so I get up and sit on my nursing chair and crochet until I fall asleep.

So you see friends. This mom does have a life. Not as exciting as you thought, but I make the best of it. I do not sit around and crochet but when I do crochet I do sit and rest, because staying home and raising a toddler while pregnant is a tough job.tumblr_mchw6fOpfk1qgelzlo1_500

Makes what I do that much more special huh?

I still have to stay beautiful so I’ll leave you to get my beauty sleep. Goodnight.

Lo que nuestros padres no nos enseñaron

Mi proposito no es de ofender a nadie y mucho menos faltarles al respeto. Me gustaría hablar de un tema que es ignorado en muchas familias, el tema del sexo. No cabe duda que yo recibí muchos consejos de mi madre pero hubo unas cositas que no me dijo y quiero compartir con ustedes algunas experiencias y también unos consejitos.

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Mi madre siempre me decía que no me fuera a “quemar,” es decir, que no manchara mi reputación. Mucha gente me conoció muchos novios pero estoy segura de que no me vieron mostrar mi “calentura” en público.  Era muy difícil y vergonzoso para mi que mi novio me tomara de la mano en público y ni hablar que intentara besarme porque siempre llevaba lo que me había dicho mi mamá.

Es decir que uno de hijo si escucha a sus padres, asi que depende de nosotros para educar a nuestros hijos. Por favor no dejen que la vergüenza o la religión impida esta comunicación que es tan esencial para nuestros hijos.

He mencionado religión, porque muchos de nosotros fuimos criados dentro de la religión Católica y no importaba si practican la fé, lo que si sabemos es de que tener relaciones sexuales antes del matrimonio es condenado en la religión Cátolica. Tenemos que llegar a un acuerdo de como practicar la fe sin poner en riesgo la educación sexual y asi como mandamos a nuestros hijos al catecismo, debemos educarlos sobre el sexo.

Ya de grande, tuve que descubrir y aprender muchas cosas solita. Como hermana mayor, no tenía a alguién con quien confiarle mis dudas o preguntas. Preguntarle a mis padres o a cualquier adulto era considerado “falta de respeto” o no apropiado para mi edad. Ahora vemos niños de 7 años que ya empiezan a tener dudas sobre el sexo y son callados. Es importante que los padres, (no solo la madre) hablen con sus hijos acerca de este tema.

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Lo que nuestros padres no nos contaron… y lo que si nos hubieran dicho…

No usar vocabulario falso para espantar

No es necesario espantar a los hijos para que no tengan relaciones sexuales. Es cierto que a los padres les llega el miedo de saber que sus hijos tengan sexo muy jovenes pero no quiere decir que debemos espantarlos a ellos también. No digan que al tener sexo, les arruinará la vida. Recuerden que van a llegar a la edad que van a tener a su pareja y tendrán sexo y no queremos meterles a la cabeza que es algo malo, simplemente que es una decision grande y que se debe hacer con tiempo y preparación.

Hablen siempre con la verdad y con información cierta

Usen las palabras appropiadas y no anden con rodeos. No usen palabras como “pilín,” “allá abajo,” “cosita” etc. Nombren las partes como son. Si es necesario, eduquense. Hoy en día hay tantos recursos en el internet o en las clínicas. Empiezen a enseñarles a sus hijos que es importante informarse antes de tomar decisiones grandes.  No dejen que sus hijos se eduquen con lo que ven en la televisíon o por otros chicos de su edad. Ustedes son los maestros de sus hijos y así se asegurarán de que reciban la mejor información.

Cuidarse de enfermedades, no solo embarazos

Esto estuvo muy presente en los consejos o mas bien amenazas de mis padres. Los padres no deberían decir que el sexo automáticamente resulta en un embarazo. El embarazo es tan condenado en nuestra cultura que encuentro irónico que mujeres hispanas estan entre los grupos mas probables de embarazarse antes de los 19 años. Esto debería servir de prueba de que algo no está funcionando.

Yo tanto me cuide de no embarazarme. El miedo de embarazarme y que mis padres me repudiaran me llevó a que me asegurara de usar anticonceptivos. Pero el enfoque a no embarazarme y la falta de comunicación también me llevaron a ignorar el riesgo de contraer alguna enfermedad.

Era muy fácil tener relaciónes sin condón con mi novio, ya que yo me estaba cuidando, que cuando me di cuenta de que me había contagiado con HPV, no sabía ni que era. Inmediatamente le di a saber, ya que la mayoria de veces no hay sinptomas. El me negó todo y aunque era el único con quien yo habia estado en mas de un año, me hizo dudar y creí que tal vez yo lo había contagiado a el. Mi falta de información obstruyó mi capacidad de pensar. No sabía de que la mayoria contraeremos esta enfermedad por lo menos una vez en nustras vidas, y que el 90% de los casos el cuerpo se encarga de quitarlo naturalmente.  Al pensar de que podría haber sido alguna otra enfermedad me hizo ver las cosas de otra manera. Es importante de informarse de todas las enfermedades, saber los sintomas, y hacerse chequeos físicos por lo menos una vez al año o cuando cambie de pareja.

El embarazo no es malo/Información sobre el embarazo

Tampoco les estoy diciendo que les digan que es una maravilla, pero esto va conjunto con no hablarles negativo de algo que en el futuro debe ser hermoso. Es importante informarles a los hijos de que la responsabilidad de un bebé es inmensa y que a su debido tiempo y con preparación financiera y educacional puede ser algo maravilloso.

Desafortunadamente mi primer embarazo resultó en un aborto espontaneo. Esto me llevó a total depreción y me hizo callar mi segundo embarazo. Yo no sabía nada de abortos espontaneos y en un tiempo pensé que yo era la causante de que mi bebé muriera. Yo no sabía de que no todos los embarazos positivos resultaban en bebé. El 30% de embarazos resultan en aborto antes del primer trimeste. Si yo hubiera sabido ésto, no me hubiera culpado yo y hubiera sido menos mi dolor.

No es malo explorar tu cuerpo/Masturbación

Desde pequeños nos dicen que no nos debemos tocar nuestro “pipi” o nuestra “cosita” y hasta nos dicen “cochinos” y que es un pecado. En ningun momento nos dijeron que se llama masturbación y que es totalmente natural, mientras no afecté nuestras vidas. Muy pocas personas admiten que se masturban por la razón de que es condenado. Un bebé no tiene ninguna maldad ni morbosidad y es natural de que se toquen. Para ellos es algo nuevo, algo que siempre está escondido. Durante la adolesencia y tan temprano como la pre-adolecencia, es muy natural de que empiezen a explorar su cuerpo de una manera sexual.  Mucha de la falta de comunicación sexual entre parejas es porque no saben satisfacerse. Cuando uno sabe lo que lo exita puede guiar a la pareja para que cada encuentro sexual sea satisfactorio.

Desgraciadamente muchas mujeres no se masturban y hay muchas que no han logrado un orgasmo. Las mujeres no llevan la misma hormona que los hombres y no se exitan tan facilmente, pero no quiere decir que no merecen total satisfacción sexual.

Vamos a poner de ejemplo a una mujer que nunca se masturbó y llegó virgen al altar. Su novio, miró a su hermano masturbarse y el empezó a masturbarse de pequeño. Ambos novios no recibieron educación sexual. Se casaron y se llegó la noche de bodas. Las hormonas del novio lo consumian y se deseperaba por tener sexo con su esposa. Su misma deseperación lo llevo a no exitar lo suficiente a la novia nerviosa y no hizo que se lubricara lo suficiente. Ella no sabía que esperarse asi que lo dejó todo en manos de su esposo. Él no tuvo ningún problema, y su erección era vidente. El inmediatamente introdujo su pene en su esposa. Ella sintió dolor. Fue una experiencia espantosa.

Si tan solo la mujer le hubiera dicho que ocupaba exitarse mas antes de que el esposo la introdujera. Pero ella no sabía que se podía disfrutar si tan solo se ubiera exitado. Por eso es importante que la mujer conosca su cuerpo y que no está mal explorarlo sexualmente.

Es importante informarles a los hijos de que la masturbación se debe hacer en privado. El problema con muchos muchachos es de que no les dicen que demaciada masturbación puede causar problemas de impotencia y eyaculación precoz.

Estar seguro(a) de si mismo(a)/Eliminar palabras como “Puta”

Muchas de las muchachitas que se entregan a los hombres es por falta de autoéstima positivo.  Ellas buscan affirmación de que son bonitas y entregan su cuerpo al hombre que les dijo que están “bien buenas,” “como quieren” etc.  Es importante como padres de levantar y mantener en alto el autoestima de sus hijos y especialmente a sus hijas. La influencía paternal en el autoéstima de una hija es muy importante. Cuando un padre no le da cariño a su hija, ella puede buscar amor paternal en hombres mayores.

De pequeña, yo anhelaba mi fiesta de quince años. Mi padre me dijo que si me portaba bien, le obedecía y ayudaba a mi mamá, y recibía buenas calificaciones me harían mi fiesta. Yo seguí las indicaciones al pie de la letra. Se llegó la fecha para empezar a movilizar todo pero mi padre me dijo que no habría fiesta. Cuando le pregunté porque, él me dijo que porque a las “putas” no se les hacían fiestas. Nunca se me va a olvidar esto. ¿Cómo un padre se podía expresar de esa manera de una hija? Esa fue mi explicación y los años siguientes eso fue en lo que me convertí. No entendí porque no cumplió su promesa y sus palabras tuvieron mucho que ver con mi etapa de promiscuo. No me dí a valer y por rebeldía le falte al respeto a mi cuerpo.

Por eso es muy importante no usar palabras que subajan a la mujer. Puta, piruja, resbalosa, etc. no deben de ser usadas ni por las mujeres. Es importante usar palabras como que inteligente, fuerte, hermosa etc. Los hijos ven a los padres como sus idolos y como sus heroes, no dejen que eso cambie por no pensar antes de hablar.

Estar atento y tener mucho cuidado a tu alrededor/violaciones: no es culpa de la víctima

Este consejo se trata del riesgo que corremos todos de ser víctimas de una violación. Es muy importante comuncarles a los hijos de los riesgos de substancias usadas para aprovecharse de la gente.

Yo me confié y nunca me imaginé que me pudiera pasar a mi. Yo era muy alegre y me encantaba tomar en reuniones y fiestas. En una ocación tuve una reunión en mi departamento y varios amigos estaban en la fiesta. Solo recuerdo haber tomado un trago y lo demás son detalles borrosos.. Al día siguiente desperté en mi propia cama, desnuda, y confundida.  Al lado estaba una botella de tequila, un condón usado y una carta de mi ex-novio. En la carta practicamente se burlaba y confesaba con detalle su horrible crimen. Le conté a mis amigas y no me apoyaron. Me dijeron que para que hacía tanto escandalo, “ni que nunca hubiera tendido relaciones.” Me sentía sucia. Me culpaba porque durante nuestro noviasgo no tuvimos relaciones sexuales y que tal vez era mi culpa por no haberselas dado. No fui con la policia y callé. Fue mi más grande error.

Es importante de hablar sobre las violaciones y que la violación es más allá de tomar a alguien por la fuerza. Cualquier acto sexual donde uno no este de acuerdo o conciente, es violación y que si caen víctimas que no se culpen. Nadie tiene el derecho de tomar su cuerpo sin su consentimiento. Si los padres no les comunican ésto, nunca van a saber como pedir ayuda.

 Sexo Oral/Anal también es sexo

El sexo oral o el sexo anal también son temas de gran tabú. Pero a veces por evitar el sexo vaginal muchos jovencitos se han visto presionados a tener sexo oral y anal. Así como es importante informarles a los hijos de los riesgos del sexo vaginal sin proteccción, es importante informarles de los riesgos del sexo oral y anal. Que también hay enfermedades contagiosas. Que no es algo malo y con la pareja adecuada y con la educación, confianza y madurez puede ser una experiencia placentera. Ninguna persona debe sentirse presionada a hacer cualquier acto que no se sienta cómodo y que tienen el derecho a decir no.

Atracción al mismo sexo

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Actualmente se ven más los casos de homosexualidad, pero no porque sea una epidemia ni nada de eso. Afortunadamente la gente está aceptando poco a poco el tema de ser gay. Hace años la homosexualidad era considerada una enfermedad mental. También se consideraba un estado de vida que uno escogía y al cual se podía “curar” o “cambiar.” Es importante de no usar palabras que puedan limitar a los hijos de su identidad. Por ejemplo, si un muchacho es gay y sus padres le preguntan si tiene novia, él pensará que solo puede tener novia y se sentirá que lo que siente está mal. Es importante no usar palabras con el sexo definido. Por ejemplo, en vez de preguntar si tienen novio(a), decir “¿Tienes a alguién que te gusta?” Y no usar frases como “eso es de mujeres/hombres.” También es importante no usar palabras que ofenden a la comunidad gay o de manera negativa o para ofender. Los hijos deben de aprender a respetar a las mujers y todo eso viene de la educacíon que los padres les dan a sus hijos.

Me encantaría saber si algunos de ustedes tienen un consejo que se me haya olvidado o si tienen algo que les hubiera gustado saber antes de tener relaciones.